My roommate’s pal says unacceptable issues. Ought to I convey it up or depart? Ask Ellie

QMy roommate and I’ve been residing collectively for over three years. We’re good mates. She has a household pal who lives overseas and travels to go to my roommate right here a few times a 12 months.

The primary time this pal stayed over, I overheard her making enjoyable of me. I later addressed the difficulty with my roommate, who instantly apologized.

I discovered her subsequent go to no higher. The pal instructed my roommate and me tales of how she’d order quick meals and intentionally eat it in entrance of “the fatties at her work” who have been doing a wholesome consuming problem.

Whereas we have been within the yard sooner or later, she stated she had tanned a lot she was “as soiled as a Mexican.” I used to be completely appalled.

She additionally stored referring to “us white ladies” when speaking in regards to the three of us. I’m in reality multiracial. My background is black, Asian, and white. My household comes from South America.

My roommate has knowledgeable me that her pal can be visiting very quickly. I don’t really feel comfy together with her pal visiting the condominium. Is there any method to tactfully convey this up, or ought to I beat a hasty retreat and discover one other place to remain when that pal arrives?


AYou’ve already arrived on the most sensible choice by yourself. By shifting out, you miss listening to rudeness, racism, and ignorance.

But it surely’s a disgrace that neither her household pal, nor you, really feel a duty to attempt to enlighten this girl or not less than inform her how inappropriate her feedback are, and that they’re offensive to you each.

I respect the awkwardness of a short-notice scenario, as a result of this customer is your roommate’s household pal.

But it’s curious that that she apparently hasn’t even stated privately to her that you simply each are against her ridiculing individuals by body-shaming, and in addition her outspoken racism.

Both your roommate feels obligated to be welcoming by their household ties, or her values additionally don’t align with yours. That may turn into a severe divide between roommates. I like to recommend that you simply attempt to discuss it out, quickly.

For a right away response to the customer, positive, transfer out. However in your personal self-respect, have a dialog together with your roommate and demand that it’s the final time that both of you host somebody who’s so obnoxious that you simply really feel that it’s important to depart your individual residence fairly than undergo her feedback and opinions.

Reader’s Commentary Concerning the lady resisting on-line relationship (Dec. 20):

“Whereas my son (23) discovered his future spouse when she contacted him on Instagram, my daughter (26) hated the concept of on-line relationship.

“She additionally hates being linked 24/7 and doesn’t like all of the textual content chats that appear to have to happen earlier than assembly somebody. She finds the entire course of considerably tedious.

“As if assembly individuals and relationship by in-person connections was all unicorns and rainbows again within the day!

“She tried a couple of platforms and performed round together with her profile to draw the appropriate individuals. Then, a girlfriend discovered her boyfriend by Bumble, the place ladies make the primary contact.


“My daughter’s now relationship a stunning younger man who owns his personal enterprise and enjoys most of the identical pursuits, to allow them to discuss for hours.

“There IS a relationship website on the market for that girl who wrote to you, and hopefully her future accomplice as properly.”

Ellie’s tip of the day

There’s a time in life when circumstances make it essential to your individual self-respect to talk up in opposition to shallow mockery of others and divisive racism.

Ellie Tesher is an recommendation columnist for the Star and based mostly in Toronto. Ship your relationship questions through electronic mail:


Conversations are opinions of our readers and are topic to the Code of Conduct. The Star doesn’t endorse these opinions.


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