My associate despatched my daughter a stunning textual content message. Is our relationship over? Ask Ellie

Q:My associate and I, collectively a decade, share a home. We each have grownup youngsters and generally his or mine keep over as we reside in one other city from them.

Just lately, my daughter stayed at our place in a single day whereas I used to be visiting household in one other province. Whereas I used to be gone, my associate despatched her a really inappropriate textual content that shook my world and hers, too.

He’s by no means been inappropriate earlier than, has all the time been good/supportive to my youngsters, and so they’ve revered and trusted him.

That’s all gone now. I’m stuffed with anger and angst. My daughter’s performing brief with me. I’m contemplating sending my associate packing.

I really like him, however I’ve misplaced respect for him. The strain in our house is now poisonous. We’re sleeping in separate rooms.

I’m afraid my daughter won’t ever go to us or me once more. With nice misery, she’s advised her closest male family member what occurred, and he instantly known as me with the information whereas I used to be away. Think about my anger and disbelief!

After I arrived residence, my associate’s clarification was that he’d had a number of drinks. He usually drinks just one wine or one beer.

It’s no excuse. He mentioned he didn’t know why he did what he did, or mentioned what he mentioned. He additionally appeared to place some blame on my daughter. I wouldn’t hear. I mentioned it was his motion that was accountable, nobody else’s.

I’ve spoken to a counsellor who left selections to me however was very sympathetic. My associate’s visiting his household so I’ve time to assume.

Can our relationship be saved?

Dealing with a Disaster

A:Any considered staying collectively should begin along with his full apology to your daughter, you, and the opposite shut one who received concerned within the aftermath of what he mentioned.

The remark, which you described to me (I gained’t repeat it), was really disgusting. It’s one of many worst verbal errors a member of the family might make, and gained’t be simple for both you or your daughter to forgive.

You’re right that alcohol isn’t any excuse. Since he’s not even an everyday drinker, his crossing the road of first rate commentary revealed an instability in him.

He’d blurted out what he really had targeted on … a bawdy, sexualized remark that has shocked and disturbed everybody concerned.

As for the query about the way forward for your relationship, you’ve already answered it: “I really like him, however I’ve misplaced respect for him.”

He’s the one who must get counselling so that you can even take heed to what he learns from it. For now, these three steps are important: Apology, no alcohol, enlightenment via remedy.

Reader’s CommentaryConcerning the impact of this column as an informative supply of motivation:

“I am a scientific psychologist who had a thriving follow for over 20 years. I really like my career and excelled at it. Nevertheless, persistent ache and psychological well being problems with my very own over the previous seven years prevented me from practising in my area.

“In the meantime, I’m drawn to studying your recommendation and feeling ‘related’ to what you say that makes a distinction in folks’s lives. Now, I need to make a distinction once more as effectively.

“Thanks for giving me inspiration and motivation in direction of making a plan to get again to what I like to do.

“Thanks, too, for making a distinction in my life with out you even figuring out it!”

Ellie:You clearly all the time had it in you. I’m honoured to have inspired you.

Ellie’s tip of the day

When a partnership entails one another’s youngsters, respecting/defending/treating them as your personal, is crucial.

Ellie Tesher is an recommendation columnist for the Star and based mostly in Toronto. Ship your relationship questions by way of electronic mail:


Conversations are opinions of our readers and are topic to the Code of Conduct. The Star doesn’t endorse these opinions.


Leave a Reply