His sons create a wedge between us. Can I make this work? Ask Ellie

Q:I’ve learn in your column about different {couples} breaking apart within the midst of what appeared completely happy relationships, however mine appears to be a foot-in/foot-out state of affairs.

We’re each mature folks, I’m 49, he’s 52. I’ve been divorced for eight years, he for 5. We each dated others casually till we linked two years in the past. After only a few dates, we have been each severe about desirous to be collectively.

We gave one another copies of our home keys, and stayed over at whichever place was most handy, relying on our work schedules.

However the whole lot modified when his kids visited. (I’ve a daughter, 23, residing abroad together with her husband. We keep up a correspondence typically and I go to her twice a yr, with no issues.)

His two sons, 13 and 11, stay together with his spouse and attend college there in one other metropolis, not too removed from right here. Since COVID guidelines eased up, they transfer in with him twice a month, together with two weekends and half of the college holidays.

When he informed his kids about me, from our first assembly the youthful son turned tough and apparent about not liking me. No matter I did — whether or not laughing at a joke, or serving a meal — he simply rolled his eyes.

And with that gesture, my lover started to vary. He turned overwhelmed by his “duties” with the youngsters — driving them locations they wished to go, e.g. to see outdated pals and cousins who stay right here, planning their meals (principally takeout), ensuring they’ve sufficient laundry, and many others.

He couldn’t appear to regulate to being totally answerable for them. And it turned apparent that his ex-wife had completely fulfilled that position. He even informed me outright, after a mix-up with the place the children wanted to be picked up (and I wasn’t allowed to assist out), “I miss my spouse on daily basis.”

I nonetheless love him. I consider we are able to nonetheless be nice companions, regardless that he had what appears an “emotional breakdown,” and informed me, “I can’t do that anymore.”

I’ve supplied this answer: When the youngsters are with their mom, he stays with me. Once they transfer in with him, I’m not there. What do you consider my answer?

Half-Time Love

A:It’ll solely be an answer if, and when, he agrees to it. So don’t get forward of your self and find yourself with nothing.

He has a a lot greater downside than his younger son’s resistance to you, which is his lack of realizing find out how to be a “working dad or mum” on his personal.

And much more tough, find out how to simply be a father to these boys — e.g., speaking collectively, enjoying a recreation, having fun with a sport, no matter holds their curiosity.

Provide help and assist the place he wants it, not simply your part-time partnership. Discuss to him concerning the boys, their pursuits, actions they often like, their expertise at school and in play. The data will even be useful to you, in making an attempt to achieve out to the youthful baby.

Nonetheless, keep in mind that you’re not making an attempt to duplicate their mom’s position. Possibly she was the one who first stated, “I can’t do that anymore,” about his leaving all of the parenting duties as much as her.

For those who proceed gently, together with your provide of being collectively a number of nights weekly, and extra when the youngsters are with their mom, you could possibly rebuild your loving connection and likewise assist this man and his sons have a greater relationship.

Ellie’s tip of the day

After a divorce, each ex-spouses are nonetheless their youngsters’ mother and father. New companions ought to settle for this naturally.

Ellie Tesher is an recommendation columnist for the Star and primarily based in Toronto. Ship your relationship questions by way of e-mail: ellie@thestar.ca.


Conversations are opinions of our readers and are topic to the Code of Conduct. The Star doesn’t endorse these opinions.


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