A longtime buddy foolishly got here on to me. How ought to I deal with it? Ask Ellie

QI’ve been mates with this man since highschool. He’s a couple of years older, however we frolicked working collectively one summer season on the similar group centre, so our friendship grew. We each had boyfriends/girlfriends on the time.

Over the following few years, our friendship stayed sturdy whereas our vital others modified. As he was older, he had a extra severe girlfriend for years. She by no means needed to hang around with me.

My boyfriends weren’t severe and got here and went; some met my buddy, others didn’t.

After college, our friendship was nonetheless sturdy and we each discovered ourselves again in our hometown working for the summer season. He and his girlfriend had been on the rocks; I used to be single.

One night time he got here on to me actually sturdy. I used to be shocked! I shut him down and left. The subsequent day I went over to his home and let him have it. I used to be so mad at him for jeopardizing our friendship! I left fuming.

Later that day he came to visit and apologized. He mentioned he did have emotions for me however knew that I didn’t really feel the identical means. And he was silly for risking our friendship like that.

I can’t resolve what to do now: distance myself till his emotions go away? Or finish the friendship?

Harm and Confused

ADon’t be harm, be flattered. Your friendship clearly means loads to him and he clearly likes you numerous. You’re each younger with years forward of you for making errors on the street to discovering your life associate. Generally the road between buddy and more-than-friend could be blurred.

If you wish to preserve the friendship, let him cool off for a day, however then inform him so. Inform him you’re flattered, however your emotions aren’t mutual. Then inform him that his friendship means loads to you and also you’d like to remain mates if, and provided that, he can keep in that lane.

If he can’t, it is going to simply trigger hassle down the street. But when he can, you two might have a lifelong friendship. In the mean time, it’s as much as him.

However don’t be too exhausting on him … it’s possible you’ll discover that your emotions change down the street and, if he doesn’t reciprocate, you’ll need him to be as understanding and forgiving as you are actually.

FEEDBACKConcerning the mom who was fearful about her baby altering faculties usually (Nervous Mama, Sept. 14):

“I raised a special-needs baby who modified faculties steadily till we discovered the best program for his or her wants. The colleges attended weren’t in our dwelling group.

“Three issues I did to attach my baby to friends:

“1. Take part in group actions after college that meet the kid’s pursuits, e.g., sports activities, the humanities, Guides/Scouts. Many actions are usually not costly or could be sponsored by the group if there’s a want.

“2. Volunteer in these actions as your expertise and time enable, e.g., coach, chief, organizer.

“3. I organized and drove my baby to go to with youngsters who attended the identical class, or picked up different youngsters to convey them to my home or a mutually agreed upon exercise. It was a whole lot of work and driving, however it gave my baby a social platform. I want ‘Nervous Mother’ one of the best for her and her baby.”

Reader’s Commentary

“I’m actually having fun with studying a few of Lisi’s and a few of Ellie’s columns. I strive not to have a look at the identify on the high and see if I can guess which one wrote the column.

“I’d like to see a query that’s then answered by each.”

FEEDBACKConcerning the response to “Wholesome and Pleased” (June 7):

“I used to be so dissatisfied. I’m completely satisfied for 60-something ‘Pleased.’ She is likely one of the fortunate ones to emerge from this pandemic comparatively unscathed.

“Many haven’t been so fortunate. With gyms shut down and solely digital physician appointments, many people might have survived the virus however by no means recovered totally. Others, sadly, didn’t survive.

“So maybe staying wholesome and in a loving relationship isn’t a ‘private alternative.’ Please attempt to be extra empathetic towards these much less lucky than your self.”

Lisi: Sure, “Pleased” is a really lucky individual and plenty of weren’t so lucky throughout COVID. I additionally received COVID after taking excessive warning for 2 years. I couldn’t get off the bed for almost per week, and was very weak and drained for a number of weeks afterward. However such as you, I survived, as did my household, and we’re grateful.

Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are recommendation columnists for the Star and based mostly in Toronto. Ship your relationship questions through e-mail: ellie@thestar.ca.


Conversations are opinions of our readers and are topic to the Code of Conduct. The Star doesn’t endorse these opinions.


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